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So long, suckers!!
I’ve always been amused by “goodbye emails” sent out by soon-to-be-leaving coworkers. The level of b.s. and intentions to keep in touch that never materialize is always fun to read. They remind me of the things people write in high school yearbooks – the promise to keep in touch, how you were the wittiest person they knew, how much they valued your friendship, and how amazing it was to survive . With goodbye emails, the same format is followed – the promise to keep in touch, how great it was to work with us all, how much they learned from everyone, and how there were deadline challenges but they were all met successfully.

I have 2 good examples from my previous job which I have listed below. The first one is a freakin’ gem. This was written by an intern who was about as annoying as they come and one of the biggest suck-ups to upper management that I have ever witnessed. Check out this brown-nosing screed.

“Dear Magnet Communications:
This summer has been one of the best summers of my life, and one of the major contributing factors was the experience here at Magnet. In my short time here, I have gotten to know and like many of you – this personal element is what made Magnet an enjoyable experience. I have learned much from being here, and as my initial fear of the corporate environment slowly evaporated, the real challenges in business revealed themselves in a manner that left me intrigued and driven to learn more. Speaking to individuals in various roles in the company showed to me the multifaceted diamond that is held together through trust, teamwork, and dedication - it is this bond that tells me that Magnet Communication is here to stay.”

Of course, Magnet only wound up lasting a few more months before it was bought out by Digital Insight, but hey, no one’s perfect at forecasting. Hopefully by now that little snot has been soured on real life and is self-medicating himself with lithium smuggled in from Mexico via his rectum.

The second example that I was forwarded last week was from a person who, while a very good worker, was not fluent in English. There are 3 typos in the first sentence alone.

“It is a mix feelings that I am announcing my departure from DI effective in June 24, 2005.”
“DI has been one of the best companies that I had an opportunity to contribute, to learn, to meet great people, to gain great experiences and skills sets.”

Whew. Would have loved to proofread that person’s resume.

Why can’t people be real in their goodbye emails? You’re leaving the place, so who cares? Sure the bridges would be burned, but I would buy someone drinks all night if they sent out an email like the one I’ve provided below.

“Dear Soon-To-Be-Gunned-Down-Ex-Employees,

How the fuck do you all stay employed? How the fuck does this company not sink via its own deadweight? I can’t believe I stayed in this shit hole long enough but that’s what low self esteem will do for a person. But now I’m leaving. Sure, it’s a step down the ol’ corporate ladder by going to work the register at Burger King, but I’d rather deal with intoxicated frat boys at 4 AM than have to work another day with you mind-numbing dolts. The only reason 80% of you are still around is because your bosses are even more incompetent.

It was not a pleasant working experience with you all and if you want my personal email address, you’re gonna have to Google it because I’ll be goddamned if I’m gonna give it to you voluntarily. If you send me any “Pass this email on to 10 good friends and Jesus will reward you with the winning lottery numbers to next week’s drawing”, I will firebomb your house.

On a final note, would it kill you guys to mix in a salad every once in a while? I don’t think I have ever worked with a fatter group of people who have no self control over what goes into their pie holes. In fact, I won’t spray you all down in a hail of gunfire since most of you will die a slow excruciating death when your clogged arteries finally can’t pass any more blood to your fat hearts and you die in front of your family at the Thanksgiving table.

Have a nice day. If any of you would like to fellate me, my cock will be available from 4-6 PM today at (insert local pub name here).

Cheers.”